you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
