I wanna bring you to show and tell
tell your sister to shave her snatch
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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