people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
