I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Dicks are not precious.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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