At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
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