Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Found the puke drawer
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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