first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
