Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I have post one night stand depression
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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