he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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