don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
