and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
