Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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