Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
