I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
This beer is not sobering me up at all
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
