I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
