There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
