believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We need to get me chipped asap
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
