so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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