No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
