Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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