So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
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