I'm going to jail i love you
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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