i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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