Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
