I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
