Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize