chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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