I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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