This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
