I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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