so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
