I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
