there's paper in my vomit.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I think my moral compass just broke
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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