areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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