Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
