Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
