Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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