I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize