I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
