I will die if light touches me.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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