I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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