Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
