I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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