You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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