I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
