your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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