this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
