6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
