Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
