I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
