The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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