we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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