3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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