so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize