Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize