if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
