Already got asked if we're dating
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Randomize
