Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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