Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
