He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Also, beer. Big fan.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
