No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
