I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
