Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize