apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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